Black Women, You Deserve Oral Sex and Beyond
Written by #RebelGirl Tiffany Green
Whew, that title, huh? I tried to come up with a naughty quirky innuendo at first. Then, I realized I had no interest in insinuating a crucial point: Black women deserve to receive oral sex. To some, this point may be apparent. Of course, they deserve oral sex, Tiffany. However, this is not always obvious, nor does it resonate with everyone. Even though positive outlooks about oral sex and other sexual activities have grown over decades, there are still some gender and cultural discrepancies.
When reading for my Human Sexuality class, I found some statistics on sexual behaviors. The most striking was the demographic gaps in oral sex that led me to write this piece.
In a gender-based research study, students found that 63% of men will receive oral sex versus 44% of women. In a study including the stats of those who have received oral sex of whites, Blacks, and Hispanics, Blacks ranked second. However, when considering both gender and race, Black people had the widest gender gap. While white and Hispanic people both had a gender gap of one percent, Black people had a gender gap of 17 percentage points.
This means that while Black and white men had similar percentages of those who received oral sex, 90 and 91%, respectively, Black women and white women had a larger gap between the rate of experienced oral sex, at 83% and 92%, respectively. So, what does all of this mean? Well, there are essential thoughts to consider in this data.
Many possible factors are contributing to the large oral sex gap between Black men and Black women. The elaborate history of shaming Black women’s sexuality that may make us hesitant to engage in oral sex, Black men having sex outside of their race because they feel Black women will not do what they want sexually, stigmas against Black women’s sexual hygiene, the Black church and its judgment of sex before marriage or sex entirely particularly of girls and women, and other aspects all can influence this gender gap. So, what can be done about it?
The answer is multi-dimensional with many layers. The most important thing to do is dismantle labeled whore-or-prude tropes surrounding Black women and oral sex. We are allowed to engage in the sex of our choice, whether giving or receiving, without it having to diminish our personhood. Choosing to give or receive oral sex does not taint us, and we are not old maids for choosing not to.
Another approach is creating more safe spaces for Black women to talk about sexual behaviors. Conversations around sexual activity are still very culturally and religiously taboo, stopping us from having real and raw exchanges about how we have sex. This can affect the kinds of sexual behaviors we engage in. Imagine growing up in a family that doesn’t openly discuss sex in the most realistic terms, especially with girls. For many Black households, this is the norm. Hence, there must be safe spaces for Black women to discuss sexual behaviors, share their experiences, and prepare to engage in safe and enjoyable sex lives.
We also have to be willing to discuss sexual behaviors beyond penis-in-vagina penetrative sex openly. So often, penetration is viewed as the only form of sex with other kinds of sexual engagement as “not really sex” or even taboo, including oral sex, anal sex, masturbation, couple toy use, and other behaviors. A lot of the sexual encounters we preliminarily designate as taboo, even if we want to try them, is what we do not discuss. Our wants could very well stretch far beyond penetration, and we have to learn to talk about them with one another without judgment.
Black women also have to learn to communicate their sexual desires with their partner(s). In society, there are negative associations of women who ask for things during sex. That we are hypersexual nymphos, bossy and demanding, taking the “role of the man,” some commentary Black women know all too well. The truth is, Black woman, there is nothing wrong with telling your partner what you want, and asking for oral sex is part of that.
Some other briefings would be for men. In an interview with Dr. Hope Ashby, psychologist and sex therapist, she participated in a study asking Black women about their sexual satisfaction in Ebony Magazine. She found that men she has worked with usually are the ones who have a difficult time giving oral sex compared to Black women. But from the data above, we see that Black men receive oral sex far more than Black women. Men must know that if you are expecting oral sex, you must have the same expectation for yourself to give oral sex. Otherwise, you should have no expectations to receive oral sex or realize maybe you are not prepared to have sex yet, and that is okay.
